(I realize this will make me unfavorable with all the parents out there, but after sharing an elevator with not one BUT 4 strollers this morning, and watching a kid stick his face in a chocolate fountain at the Flamingo, it needs to be said.)

 

Las Vegas is the capital of all ADULT vices. The den of iniquity for ADULTS. Which does not explain why the F these morons think this is an appropriate place to bring children. Not teens or even pre-teens. We’re talking toddlers. Kids that should be watching Barney–not some very healthy young ladies dancing on poles in the middle of Planet Hollywood. Not watching R rated ads on bill boards. Picking up ads for in room, ahm, service from bare ladies off the street. Not sitting outside my 22nd floor hotel room this morning texting (where were her parents???)

 

We watched last night as this guy with preteens let them play slot machines at the Paris. The server told him he had to go. His response? “I don’t have to listen to a waitress!” (We took great delight in watching him and his kids get escorted out.)

 

I thought the ill fated attempt to classify vegas in the 90′s as a family destination was just that–a FAILURE.

 

Listen up people: there are PLENTY of kid appropriate places to take your kids–DISNEYLAND. A beach. The zoo. Cereal city.

 

NOT HERE! Brand me as a kid hater, but I don’t plan to tone down my ADULT language or behavior because your kids are in my playground.

 

(Remember how much I LOVE hockey pucks and the annoying people who throw or shoot them under your feet. If you have fallen because of one before, you understand what I mean.) Last night, after a full day of moving furniture and working at the house, I went ice skating. There’s a BIG sign right as you enter the ice that says “NO Hockey pucks or sticks on the ice during open skate”. There were like 8 people there including 2 “weekend*” dads and their collective 3 kids. This kid finds a hockey puck in the stands and starts throwing it around the ice. So I skate up to him and say “There are no hockey pucks allowed on the ice now. You need to take that off the ice.” He says “But I found it!” I said “I don’t care where it came from, it’s not allowed on the ice.” The kid is like 8 years old, so I know he understands what I’m saying. The dads are right there watching and listening to me say this. He continues to throw the puck around. The younger kid gets it and starts throwing it. I try to reason with him. “You can’t have that out here now because someone might trip on it and get hurt. Take and put it back where you found it.” So the little kid puts it on the bench. Older kid takes and picks it up again and is throwing it around on the ice. Finally, after getting it almost kicked under my feet for the 3rd time in a half hour, I just frickin LOST it. I picked it up and chucked it over the wall into this spare equipment area where all this junk is piled up. They all start YELLING at me. “You can’t do that!” “That was OURS”. Oh yeah? I just DID. If you want it, go find it. I was laughing so hard I had to get off the ice. Then I decided to leave before they all gang up on me and take revenge. *weekend dad= Dads who only have custody of their kids on the weekend and don’t want to “waste” time disciplining them and be the bad guy. Yeah, don’t tell me that I should have gone to management and let them handle it. Managment yesterday was this scrawny 18 year old kid that I have dealt with before that won’t do anything, so YES, I will take the law into my own hands.

 

Sometimes I think people tell me things just to test the strength of my inner monologue

 

What sort of response is expected when your 55 year old female boss is describing her halloween costume that she plans to wear to work and it involves a leotard and possibly a short skirt (as if she owns anything else)?

 

a) fake a heart attack

 

b) no hablo engles?por que?

 

c) remind her that costumes have to conform to the dress code policy. For example, if she were wearing stirrup pants, that would be ok.

 

d) try to look anywhere but where she’s indicating the skirt length and change the subject.

 

I chose option D. Unfortunately, barring a super lotto jackpot, I will be present on Friday to view it. Oh goody! Team day complete with games and crap other people have cooked that I am going to have to pretend a food allergy to get out of eating. Why must there be holidays? Just to have something for me to blog about?

 

 

With the announcement of “2% across the board” in this week’s staff meeting, I thought I should step up my game for my one-on-one meeting today.

 

I came prepared with my current responsibilites and challenges and concrete ideas to improve the department. Why do I bother?

 

The conversation went like this:

 

Her: I see you are going to Vegas. I love Vegas. That’s so exciting.

 

Me: Yep. Do it every year at Thanksgiving.

 

Her: Where are you staying?

 

Me: Paris.

 

Her: That must be nice to be able to afford to travel so much.

 

Me: Silence. Then I try to lead into a work topic , “I made you a copy of what I’m currently working on and some long term projects I’d like to engage in.”

 

(total of 2 mins of actual work discussion before she steers the topic back to Vegas)

 

Her: Did I tell you about a time I went to Vegas with a gentleman friend? We went to Dicks Last Resort and they made me a hat that said “The carpet doesn’t match the drapes”.

 

Me: Gosh, I hope you remembered to take it off before you went outside. (really? like anyone thought the hair was natural?)

 

Me: I have some concerns with the recent and upcoming downsizing about my position, particularly if there are no new customers to implement.

 

Her: Yeah, I can see why you would. I have concerns as well. And the way I am handling it is to restructure my finances. I eliminated cable and other frivolous expenses. I’m really paying attention to my budget just in case I am laid off as well.

 

Me : Ok, so should I be worried?

 

Her: Well, you never know what’s going to happen, so you should prepare.

 

At this point, I am mentally checking out and thinking about the jobs I have seen at indeed.com

 

The conversation continues on for another 45 minutes, during which time, work is not mentioned.

 

No offense, but I don’t need another buddy.

My coworker said to me “I need you to go down to XX customer next week.”

 

Me: “That’s the week before go live. I have a bazillion details that need to be taken care of. It’s not a good idea. What are you hoping to accomplish?”

Him: “The customer really respects you and you have a good relationship with him. I don’t trust that my employee is doing his job. I need you to go down there and build a relationship with Jack. I’m not comfortable with him down there by himself”

 

Me: “Again, week before go live. NOT a good time. What specifically do you need from me going down there?”

Him: “Well, I was thinking if Jack could just see you and spend some time with you, maybe it would smooth things over.”

 

Let me break it down for you:

 

A) I am not a show pony. While I can claim certain similar attributes, I am not a shiny, happy, positive 25 year old. The work you will need to do to get me back into this state would be slightly less than what it will take to form your employee  into a good manager.

 

B) The customer works 14 hours a day. Our meetings generally last 20 minutes or less because he doesn’t have time to waste. He will not be thrilled when I show up on his doorstep to socialize.

 

C) His big concern is the person you hired to work the dock who will be responsible for getting all the freight out the door. Judging by the white blouse, skirt, and heels she had on yesterday, I’d say she’s going to make QUITE an impression. I hope those pumps have a steel toe and I’d suggest you buy her some Shout wipes for her white blouse.

 

D) Your perpetual lack of planning is NOT my emergency. I can’t ignore my role in the project because you haven’t participated thus far. I would suggest that YOU buy yourself a plane ticket and get down to HOTLANTA and build your relationship, because, that is your primary role and the reason you make 2x my salary.

 

E) If you mention that you can’t travel because you bought a house you can’t afford and your wife has to work so you have to pick the kids up from school at 3:20, I will be sitting outside HR. Call me bitter, but your lifestyle choice is NOT more important than mine.

 

 

 

The guy who is feeding my cats for 2 weeks loves my homemade lasagna. I used to make him homemade lasagna all the time (from scratch) and he always asks for it, so I told him I’d make him a pan of lasagna in exchange for his services.

 

I’m running a little short on time these days, so I stopped at this local restaurant that has it on Monday nights. Seriously–you get a piece that’s like half a pan.

 

Two of those into one of my pans, slap some extra sauce in there and some cheese on it and we’re all good!

 

I hope no one lost a finger in there…

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up dessert.

 

Hey–season 5 of How I Met Your Mother is Not going to watch itself…

 

Dinner: 5:15 at Applebees with my 65 year old customer. Let me guess–we are going to have half price appetizers and share a 2 for $20?

Atlantaisms:

“They be up in your biznass tomorrow” translation “We is coming in tomorrow to review your business processes.” (This was the plant manager telling his employee we were coming in tomorrow)

“I didn’t mean to put ya on BLAST” translation “I didn’t mean to shout out whatever embarrassing thing you were doing at the time. (The waitress, after she caught me dipping my bread in blue cheese dressing). so the entire restaurant had to look at me when she yelled “I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THAT”

“Get your drink on”. translation “The plant doesn’t work on Fridays because everyone needs to start drinking for the weekend (aka Thursday night).” (The shipping supervisor)

The plant manager who was impressed by how fast I type just told me “Well, if this job doesn’t work out for you, perhaps you can get a job as a court recorder.” Um, a court REPORTER? He say “yeah, you can make a lot of money. Short hand is a dying skill.” Thanks dude. I’ll keep that in mind. Sure. I spent all that time getting an MBA to be a court reporter….

 

 

I have had a HELLACIOUS week in Atlanta. Actually, an hour outside ATL, which is basically the boonies.

Day 1: Pick up car from ATL airport. Day 2–car is INFESTED with little brown ants. The customer LITERALLY jumps out of my car saying that he cannot ride with me. Of course not. Take ant infested car to food grade facility, realizing that I can potentially shut them down. Ants are literally falling out of my coworker’s hair. My skin is itching. Hertz delivers new rental car. Brand new Impala with a sunroof and leather seats. Day 3–Find ants in THIS car. OMG. If I shut this plant down due to ant infestation, that might be a SLIGHT problem. I may need to stop at the Walmart for raid.

My 65 year old customer LITERALLY eats a pound of bacon a day. He ordered a loaded baked potato with EXTRA EXTRA BACON and butter. Yesterday, he ordered a caesar salad with EXTRA EXTRA BACON. Everything is literally covered with bacon. He eats no vegetables, only meat. Oh, and the hot fudge brownie sundae. I would not like to be his colon. At 65, I am wondering if HE needs a suit in preparation for a funeral.

The customer will choose a chain restaurant EVERY TIME. Last night was Chili’s. I think tonight we are going to Steak and Shake. Thank God they have free apples in the lobby

 

However, I am grateful that today did not involve walking the docks, loading trucks, checking trailers, walking the yard, etc… in 98 degree heat.

 

and I LOVE LOVE LOVE how polite people are down here. Sir. Ma’am. They step aside to let you walk by. Hold doors open for you.

 

Man rule #72: Do not ask a man to pull weeds. He asked what he could help with at the Stow house last weekend. The previous owners have extensive landscaping (the 150ft of hydrangeas lining the driveway is just the start). I am in process of slowly updating the perennials and bushes as I have time. In prep for this, I asked him to pull the weeds out of two small sections. His solution? Take a bottle of spectracide weed killer and spray the weeds! And of course leave the dead weeds there. My response? “Do you think any of these plants I just got are going to grow where you sprayed?” God help me